'And in the lonley lands of fire whereby you're destined to dwell; the very place you've somehow manage to create, one's very own ordinary hell.'

Well, aware my friend. Well aware.

I got screwed over. I get screwed over. I always get screwed over. I could have fucked you up. I could have fucked him up. But I didn't. Because, that's not who I am. That's who I'll never be. And when I heard, I gave you everything. Some people would keep some for themselves. But I gave you everything, until I had less than nothing. Breaking even for doing what I did wasn't even worth it after all this. But I didn't. I lost. I lost but I thought it was worth it. Because, I felt that you needed it more than I did. Then, when everyone gets what they want, they up and leave. Leaving with me again with, less than nothing. I would have appreciated a little gratitude for the things I do for them. For the things I do for someone like you. But I got nothing. And I always get nothing. Because, that's all I ever am. That's all I'll ever be. That's all I ever will be. A favour. The one who gives everything until I have nothing. And it's not that I don't know it. I know it. But I do it anyway. Because there are some things about people you can't change. And this is one of them for me. So, if you think your life is fucked up and you don't know what to do and nobody gives a shit about your life. Take a fucking good look at me, then see if your life is as fucked up as mine. I fucking dare you to tell me you have it worst. That you do the things I do for others and get nothing. Well, I get less than that. And maybe that's why i'm not asleep. You think you have real problems? You think that you have it worst than someone like me? Someone who can't tell or do anything about it because it would just make a mess. You think you suffer? Maybe you do. But I suffer in silence. And I'm okay with that. Or at least, I will always pretend to be. But you don't know me. You don't know a fucking thing about me. Why don't we switch sides and be on different ends of the coin? It'll be a miracle if you were me and you haven't killed yourself already. I bet my life on that. I bet my fucking life on that. That you won't be able to do the things I do for people. Your move. Flip the coin, and get destroyed. Because if you think you're dying inside. I'm already way past dead. So have a good life. Even though, I probably need it more than you ever will. 

Trust me when I say, You're fucking dead to me.

I've heard many idioms, phrases, quotes and poems throughout the twenty-one years that I have existed here. But there is one latin phrase that I am certain that nothing else can even stand up or measure to. If there was anything I was ever so god damn sure of in my life, its this. There is a latin phrase known as 'Memento Mori'. It doesn't involve any large or bombastic words in this phrase, nor does it require any deep thinking. It's simple. And if the world were to make any sense, then this would be it. 'Memento Mori' simply means "Remember To Die". That's all. Just three words. Three simple basic words that any human could possibly construct. This phrase was crafted by a Roman slave who was enslaved to the Roman general of that empire in that era. This Mighty General, was great, powerful and could have anything he ever wanted. He could have someone beheaded for his amusement if he wished to. But this slave, this particular slave to him. Told him this. 'Memento Mori''. He boldly told the king this before he was executed. And despite his execution, his words reminded the King, that you can be the most powerful man on earth, you can have the most amount of money and anything in this world you desire. But know this, you have to remember that one day, you will die. It's inevitable. Unavoidable. And until you can except the fact that you must remember that one day, you will die, you will never really truly live. This life may offer us the greatest of pleasures and splendours. But we must not forget, that like everything else in life, everything eventually dies. No empire can never fall. No dynasty can never be overthrown. No city can never be overrun. Nobody can ever be immortal. And no life can never not experience death. This latin phrase is simple yet powerful. It puts people in their place, no matter how high or how low they stand. It allows them to see the bigger picture instead of the jigsaw they try to fix blindly. It lets them know, that you can conquer anything in this world except death. And death is something we should not shy away from. It's something we should all learn to embrace and appreciate. Because death it's not apart from life. Death is a part of life itself. 

Do you want to know a secret? Everyones been looking for something. Their entire lives. People have spent centuries looking for this, this secret that changes their lives in an instant moment upon grasping this secret with their hand. They've done the research. We have done the research. They will do the research. They will spend as much time as they have to, as much money as they can afford to print, and an indefinite amount of men to keep looking for this valuable secret, because they were told by the gods, should they find this treasure, nothing can touch them. Nothing can hurt them. Nothing can stop them from doing anything they want. The Scholars, the scientists, the philosophers, the priests, the anthropologists and about a small percentage of the people at large will not stop until they get this. We as a race will not stop until we find this. But here's the secret everyone is unaware of. You won't find it. Because what you're looking for is intangible. It's non-existent. It's not something you can grasp with your hand or anything of that sort. It goes beyond anything that the world has yet to see and will ever see. Because you're not looking for something. You're looking for someone. And that someone is not a person you can find or look up a yellow page or find on the streets. That someone you're looking for/ That someone everyone is looking for, is yourself. And no matter what they tell you or try to promise you or sell you is a lie. Because honestly, no one ever finds themselves. In this life, or the next. We were meant to be lost. And lost we will be. What we think or who we think we are, is nothing but an imitation, of an imitation of an imitation of a trait that we have picked up through the experience of the lives of others. We have learnt emotions, we have learnt feelings, we have learnt how to think, we have learnt how to live. We have learned how to do everything. So those ideas you have, those words you craft, those lies you spin, their not yours. Their all not yours. And neither are these thoughts. 

They say the world is ours and we can do whatever we please with it.
But what if I didn't want anything to do with it? At all.

I struggle with words that cannot seem to be brought to life. 

'You live there with your mother?'
Amy said nothing. She had a way of neither looking nor speaking, of being alone with herself even in the presence of another person, that Lacey had never encountered. There was something even a little frightening about it. When the girl did this, it was as if she, Lacey, were the one who had vanished.
"I have an idea," Lacey declared. "Would you like to play a game, Amy?"
' I call it secrets. It's easy to play. I tell you a secret, and then you tell me one. Do you see? a trade, my secret for your secret. How does that sound? '

*********************

Now it is your turn. Do you have a secret to tell me, Amy?'
The girl lowered her face and said nothing.
'Even a little one?'
"I don't think she's coming back," said Amy 

Adapted from The Passage by Justin Cronin.

One must enjoy the freedom of loneliness and ability to be alone. 
Before entering into a marriage of bodies that is doomed to fail, far beyond all the seven stages of hell.